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MaryJane // May 20, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Desperate Measures Against Depression
or
The Fight Against Suffering
My dear friend,
You really are suffering. And it hurts me so because I know exactly – and I mean exactly – how you are feeling. The desolation and despair are overwhelming. They threaten to destroy you. But beware – the devil is stirring these things in you. He feeds on the weak moments of our life and gives them more power than they deserve. I’m an idealist by nature, but with wisdom gained through experience I know that each individual is more powerful than the devil could ever be. Add Jesus and you are unbeatable. I was told once, or read somewhere, that all one need do is say aloud, ‘Jesus is my savior and [satan]/[the devil] has no power over me.’ I did that many times and made it work. I repeated it as many times as I needed to get through whatever it was I had to deal with at that moment.
Now the practical, realist in me reminds me that we are humans on this earth with our own power, given by God, power over all the universe. So if we believe we have this power, how can the world overcome/overwhelm us? We are more powerful than it is. While it is true that clinical depression cannot be “wished” away by talking yourself out of it, it is also true that the mind is THE most powerful force on earth. I know you pray – and don’t take this the wrong way – but do you listen? I was asked that very question by a very good, very faith-filled person (in fact she is a lay Franciscan). I was stunned by her question! But it is so true. Depression floods our minds with so many thoughts it is very hard to stop them in order to listen for the voice of God, the voice of reason, the voice of hope. But you must believe that you have that power. You do have that power, and you must believe it with every fiber of your
being. It will overpower the devil and that is a start on defeating the depression.
There’s something else I was told by a priest that has done exorcisms. The devil cannot read minds. God knows our thoughts, but the devil will never know our thoughts. What he knows is what we talk about, what we give voice to. So he cautioned me to talk about good things only, even if I was unable to stop the negative thoughts, he said don’t give them voice for the devil to hear and take hold of.
I may have mentioned that I have read some very good, very helpful books lately. I would imagine that you do a great deal of reading with all the studying you do. Well, it’s time to read about you. Read about the mind. Read about personalities. Read about depression. Read about positivity and the power of living in the moment, not the past or the future. What we think about, and thank about, we bring about. So if your own thoughts aren’t enough, don’t give you enough power, then read and find more power. Look for books that will make you feel good, make you feel in charge of yourself. Depression steals our power. Take it back! No, it is not easy or fast or even remarkable … at first. Give it some time and pretty soon it is easier, comes faster, and is truly remarkable. And suddenly you have this confidence over your thoughts you never expected to regain. This power is already there for you. It is up to
you to call on it to make use of. Depression is not more powerful than the God-given beautiful mind that you have.
You need a support system around you that can counteract all the negativity you are forced to live with. You need to open yourself up to a small circle of friends that you can talk freely with. And talk often. Find someone who you can talk with every day, even several times a day. Writing me is great but the instant feedback from someone is truly vital. In fact, not only writing to me but journaling is an excellent way to exorcise those negative thoughts. Once you write some of them down and re-read them you will begin to see the answers to many of your own problems. Then you will begin to write about those answers instead of those problems. Pretty soon you are writing what a great day you had instead of how horrible your life is. Do not get caught up in the
fear that someone else will read what you’ve written. If you don’t trust writing anything on paper then start a blog/journal online. You can write for 2 minutes or 30.
I am very lucky, blessed actually, that I have been able to get back from where I was. And if I wanted to brag, I would say I have done it all myself. But the truth is I have used every “trick” in the book, even more than what I have listed here for you. I have been reading self-discovery books for so many years, and I swear by them. Find the ones that resonate with you. Take from each one what you need and let go of the rest. There are thousands of people
who write so that they can help people like you and me. There is altruism in the world. There are those who will do good for the sake of doing good.
You, my dear, are one of the strongest women I know. I know this because of the strength of your negative thoughts. And so your ability for positive thoughts is also strong. Yes, it is re-training the brain and it is hard work, but when you “get to the other side” you will be amazed at what you have done and what you will be able to do going forward. Yes, your “ex-” has hurt you. No, let me say this instead: he did some bad things. But those bad things don’t
have power. Only you have power. Those are just things, things that no longer exist except in your mind. No one can make you a victim. We do that to ourselves. Believe me, I know intimately how I have made myself a victim many, many times over the years.
Now let’s pretend that he died suddenly and left
you with nothing. You would grieve and mourn and then you would eventually be able to move forward, live again. You would do this because there would be no point in remaining in a state of grief. My dear, you are still grieving. Five years is a long time, but it’s not the number that counts. Somewhere within you is a small voice telling you that you are beautiful, strong, wise, kind, generous, loving, tender, lovable. How do I know this? Because you’ve always had it. Otherwise you never would have been able to get married and have babies and raise your children. But now that voice is buried under grief.
Try a visualization technique. Go on a bike ride to somewhere you can be alone for 10 minutes. Settle yourself into a spot that is comfortable and refreshing. Sit quietly and summon quiet into your mind. Now imagine a box, maybe even a big box. Take all those hurts caused by him, through him, because of him, one by one and put them in the box. Think about each one as you put it in the box. Remember how you felt at the time of the hurt and put that memory
in the box, too. You must believe that these things are going into this box, that you have the power to put these things in this box. Now that you have these terrible things all boxed up, you must imagine yourself digging a big hole and burying that box in the ground, cover it with dirt and pack down the dirt with your feet – stomp on it if you feel like it. Now all those bad things are not only boxed up but buried. L E T T H E M G O. LET THEM GO. Let them go. It is entirely in your power to take control and let them go and be banished forever. (For myself, I have done this exercise with many situations
over the years, and sometimes I even have to do the same situations again before it takes full effect in my consciousness.) I was told once to box up the thing bothering me and carry it up a long flight of stairs to Jesus and let Jesus take care of it. But I believe with things that cause us so much grief and turmoil it is helpful to know that we took control. We banished the grief and Jesus is there to help us forget where we buried it!!
You say that there are too many memories around your old hometown to move back there. The same is also true of where you are now. For your own health, you must seriously consider living where he doesn’t, living where there aren’t reminders of him. This is hard, but so vital to your recovery. I truly believe you will not get past this until you move away from it. You and I are the type of people who have very strong minds and it takes very little to jog a bad memory. You must physically distance yourself from those “jogs” so that your mind can distance itself from those memories. I know you will fight this because of your kids, but you must make yourself a priority or you will be nothing for them. This is a huge leap for anyone, and I know (believe me I know)
how seemingly insurmountable this would be for you to do. But, my dear, you are strong and vital and loved by God. How could you not accomplish this great feat? God will provide everything you need to accomplish it. But first you must believe it for yourself. You must remember that you are a powerful
individual because God made you that way. He made you in his image, didn’t he? Then you have great power!!! With the two of you working toward the same goal, how can you not be successful?? Of course, you will be successful! You and God will share the same desire: to be healthy again and living for him.
Not living for the grief and misery that threatens to drown you now. God has reached out his hand to you many times. It is still outstretched for you to grab hold of. Have you heard of the “definition” of ‘guidance’? g u i d a n c e. G – God. U – you. I. Dance. = God, you and I dance. Dance with God, my dear. Let him take your hand and lead you on the dance floor of life. He’s a very good partner, you know! He’s knows all the best steps. He knows all
the great rhythms to make your life so much better.
I hope that when you finish reading this tome, you will feel stronger. I hope that by reading this you will feel better. I pray for you to use your strength for the positive, rather than the negative. All new habits take practice and time to establish, so be gentle with yourself, be patient with yourself. You will get there, my dear friend. You will. God won’t let it be any other way for you. Nor will I!
Love you. Praying for you.
MJ
MaryJane // May 15, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I am me and I’m okay. I am special and I am loved. I have everything I need, I simply must summon the energy to keep believing. I need to get on the right wavelength (thanks, Van Morrison, for the great song). Keep telling yourself how wonderful it is to be such a romantic. Not everybody has that gift. You are special because you do, because you see things that way and feels things deeply. Love that you are romantic and let it emanate from your pores and send vibrations out to everyone around me that I am loving and caring and giving and gentle and sweet and sentimental and strong. Those are all good things… GOOD things, MaryJane. They are all good things because they are you and you are good. You are good because God made you good and you remain good because God continues to love you. I am my own best friend. I am loving to myself and so others therefore can be loving to me. I am the perfect weight for me. I have everything I need. All that I need is already there for me to discover and attract to me.
What do I want to attract then? A man companion with respect for who I am right now and who I have the capacity to be. Friends that respect me and enjoy my company and my wit and humor and insights and loving-ness. I want to attract a full-body. full-mind love for life, living, being. I want to attract love and joy, and wealth enough to be “solvent,” independent. I want to attract beauty and kindness. I want to attract satisfaction! I want to attract life!
MaryJane // February 9, 2009 at 6:05 pm
I don’t know how to do this.
I don’t know how to hold back when what I want is to burst with love.
I don’t know how give only some of myself, when my heart says give it all.
I don’t know how to fall partly in love.
I don’t know how to love you only half-way.
I don’t know how to love you and never be with you.
I don’t know how to say I want to be with you and know that I can’t be with you.
I’ve never experienced long-distance love before. I don’t know how to do it.
I know I don’t like how it hurts that I love you,
and can’t be with you to show my love and feel your love for me.
I don’t know how to do that.
And I don’t know that I want to figure out how.
Angie // February 6, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Can’t wait to see the continuation of this text!!! And yes, no doubt, you’re unique: each woman is unique!!
MaryJane // February 6, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Angie- yep, I wrote it. And there’s more I could have added!! Glad you like it and “get it.” Maybe most women do….? Maybe I’m not so unique!!
Angie // February 5, 2009 at 11:07 pm
MaryJane, is this text by you?? Love it!
and I can understand every thing you say 
MaryJane // February 5, 2009 at 6:24 pm
I AM A CONTRADICTION
I can be funny, but I can also be too serious.
I can be compassionate, but I can also overlook the obvious ones that need it.
I can be kind and sweet, but I can also be thoughtless and unintentionally rude.
I can race through the day with endless energy, but I can also be so tired and lazy I can’t do a thing.
I can be fiercely independent, but I can sometimes be almost-desperately dependent.
I can be easy-going, but I can also be stubborn.
I can be emotional and moody, but I can also be steady as a rock.
I can be fair-minded and un-biased but I can also be narrow-minded and judgmental.
I can be generous but I can also be stingy and sometimes greedy.
I can be warm and loving but I can also be withdrawn and needy.
I can be open, forthright, bold even, but I can also be shy and introverted.
I can stand up and sing or speak in front of a large group, but I can’t talk one-on-one with authority figures.
I can talk your ear off if you’re a woman, but I can’t think of a thing to say to a man I’m interested in dating.
I can appear to be self-confident but inside I’m quivering with fear of being a failure.
I can wear a smile on my face, but have a broken heart at the same time, wanting to cry at any moment.
I can be smart and decisive, but I can also be slow to understand and unable to decide even small things.
I can be free and fearless, but I can also be afraid to try something new.
I can be dependable and reliable, but I can also be absent-minded and too self-absorbed.
I can laugh till I can’t breathe over a funny story, a movie, a book, a TV show, and I can cry buckets over the same things.
I can love you with all my heart with unconditional love, but I can also be disappointed when it’s not appreciated or noticed.
I can be your best friend, there through thick and thin, but I can also forget your birthday or your favorite foods.
I can be everything, and in turn be nothing, or at least feel like it.
I am woman, I am human, I am a living contradiction.
Angie // December 5, 2008 at 11:01 am
Spinster
Now this particular girl
During a ceremonious April walk
With her latest suitor
Found herself, of a sudden, intolerably struck
By the birds’ irregular babel
And the leaves’ litter.
By this tumult afflicted, she
Observed her lover’s gestures unbalance the air,
His gait stray uneven
Through a rank wilderness of fern and flower.
She judged petals in disarray,
The whole season, sloven.
How she longed for winter then! –
Scrupulously austere in its order
Of white and black
Ice and rock, each sentiment within border,
And heart’s frosty discipline
Exact as a snowflake.
But here – a burgeoning
Unruly enough to pitch her five queenly wits
Into vulgar motley –
A treason not to be borne. Let idiots
Reel giddy in bedlam spring:
She withdrew neatly.
And round her house she set
Such a barricade of barb and check
Against mutinous weather
As no mere insurgent man could hope to break
With curse, fist, threat
Or love, either.
Sylvia Plath
Angie // December 5, 2008 at 10:41 am
Whoa! I love this text…
koletink // December 5, 2008 at 10:03 am
Saving Grace
I put you on my wish list
My chocolate-covered shit list
Peel back the banana soaked toilet paper
Encrusted in a cast iron tub
To reveal a wonton clay formation of who I should be.
Don’t make me want to hate you
And your grinning eyes
And the creases along your cheeks that look like angel food cake frosting.
I’d like to put out an arm or a leg
Or a cherry-tipped hand to yours
And smile to replace the old wooden block of happiness gone by.
To see you write me in beside My Little Pony and Teen Dancer Barbie
Would ace the ten-year test of a hand-dipped friend.
Don’t look at this with a 20/20 gaze.
Maybe it was just a kiddie Playschool phase
Caked up, baked up, we tried to make up
That one time in the back alley yellow diner parking
I made you laugh
You cried
I wanted to fly around birded circles until you let me ride
it out, let it out
you never were one to shine
Like a star-glazed doughnut magnified like ashes
Drawn down, down, down into the fireside
With me, you said you’d come
I wanted to believe you
But it was your eyes that lied
Don’t tell me you tried
We wished, we wished, upon a sweet tomato burger
That you’d come back before my first bra, shave, kiss
We wished so hard the care bears came
I rubbed his belly
Forefinger tight against yours
Stroking the rainbow side to side
Janet lied
I screamed
It only mattered to you, not me
We crossed the finish line in time
Two weeks longer than expected
Four years later than you said
I waited
I waited
Why did I walk that white line alone
Like mesmerized airplane passengers
They watched me trot like a broken bird
My clipped webbed wings hanging limply to my sides
The flowers – pulpous pink and yellow velvet
In her hands, not yours
With a slither, smooth and slick
I move toward you
My eyes yellow stripes of tiger fury
With fists drawn, chastise at the ready
Entice me to throw down, I dare you
Noir et bleu, hair par terre
We hadn’t wrestled fairly
Frail pink strands bleached my hands
A rope twisted, frayed, snapped and broken
Just like him
Come to me, my darling girl
And let me swipe your dimpled, marshmallowed cheek
You’re allowed to cry at 30
The contract that isn’t signed doesn’t bind…
No, I take it back, it’s too late for all that
It’s your eyes I despise
I could never see through them
A cold shoulder casing of steel webbed lies
It’s not what you said, it’s what you meant
And in that instant, the frayed bubble formed
Your words spilling out in luscious melted drops
Poisonous, glutinous, wretched and felt
Not by me but by him
Single girl school trips
secrets, party favours
It was you who left it all behind
Mind
Gone but not forgotten
It’s the same with the boys
You’ll never be the one
To break me
Angie // November 8, 2008 at 10:00 pm
I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life!
To put to rest all that was not life
And not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
H.D. Thoreau
Angie // November 8, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
frozen with snow.
“Dreams” by Langston Hughes
koletink // November 8, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Your dreams are real, and they’re unfolding for you constantly. Never fear what is ahead. It is always there for you.
koletink // November 8, 2008 at 4:53 pm
The Road is Your Footsteps
By Antonio Machado
Wanderer, the road is your
footsteps, nothing else;
wanderer, there is no path,
you lay down a path in walking.
In walking, you lay down a path
and when turning around
you see the road you’ll
never step on again.
Wanderer, path there is none,
only tracks on the ocean foam.
koletink // November 6, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Work Break
February 2001
As I sit, lifeless, in the office of my college internship, I receive several emails. Most are boring inter-office posts about “free rugs,” “plants” or read, “clean up your dirty dishes!” One is from my mother.
“Hi Colette!” she writes, “How is your internship? Have you made a gynecology appointment yet? You really should get checked before the end of the summer.”
She writes this message not to my hotmail account or my school account, but to my work email address. An email which, by the brush of a careless finger, could easily be sent to my entire office and insinuate that I have some horribly infectious sexually transmitted disease.
Then she goes on about what she ate for lunch while out with her piano-teacher friends.
“I had the grilled asparagus and tabouleh salad with feta cheese and warmed
asparagus on top with some hummus, and a few kalamata olives, etc, etc.”
I take this as a cruel joke since my monthly grocery allowance amounts to all of 70 dollars. Before turning back to the computer, I make a mental picture of my own lunch for the day: a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, canned pears, and a used Dasani bottle filled with lukewarm tap water. Mmmm.
Finally she writes, “Did you steal my underwear when you were home? I used to have fourteen pairs and now I only have seven! Give me my undies!”
I am speechless. I will not acknowledge these accusations, nor will I respond to them.
I look around my office at the busy beavers I call coworkers, and realize that I am the only one slacking off. As I hit the “reply” button on my mom’s message, I swivel my head back again to make sure no one has caught me having fun. When you’re the office gopher, the only thing you can look forward to is, sadly, emailing your mother.